Is Casual Sex Just for the Movies?

While there will always be an ongoing debate surrounding the morality of casual sex, the fact is that more people want it then may actually admit it. Just check out an adult online dating site and you will understand what I mean. But what is more enticing? The opportunity to tally up how many members of the opposite sex you are able to sleep with? Or, could it be that you desire to have the benefits of an intimate relationship with a friend, even if it’s just a casual relationship, without the emotional stuff that often comes with a serious relationship. Let’s be honest. In a relationship we are rarely afraid of the physical part of casual sex; it’s the emotional side that can scare the hell out of us!

With recent movies hitting the big screen in the U.S. like No Strings Attached and Hall Pass, more people are wondering if casual sex is just for the movies. Can a casual relationship really work once you take it off the big screen and put it in the setting of the average living room, or kitchen, or bedroom, or elevator, of the average couple.

Some experts say that casual sex without commitment is impossible. Others say that a casual relationship with a no strings attached relationship is very possible, and can actually be healthy. Where you land on this issue may have much to do with your maturity, your age, or your lifestyle.

If you are interested in hooking up for a casual encounter the best advice out there is to communicate clearly with your potential partner. It’s when two people have different end games, or expectations, in mind that things can get sticky. Remember that emotional baggage that we mentioned before…the stuff that scares us? Well, that’s what will result if you’re not clear up front about what the sexual encounter is all about.

You must be ready and willing to tell yourself and your mate that “I am not ready for a relationship; I am not interested in having a serious relationship with you – now or in the future; and all I want is some good, clean, no strings attached casual sex.”

If you cannot honestly say that then perhaps you need to think a bit more about an illicit encounter.

People that enjoy casual sex and are able to have healthy casual relationships are mature and honest. You have to know yourself, which in and of itself is a very desirable trait. If you have a sexual style that is different from modern norms then be sure that you explore it with someone who wants the same thing. Trust me, these folks are out there just waiting to hook up, and you can often find them through adult online dating sites.

If you are interested in making a casual sex movie more of a reality for you then be sure to do it the right way. And by “do it” I mean approach the casual relationship with the right attitude. Casual sex is about having fun; however, it’s also about being mature, responsible, and safe. Don’t get emotionally wrapped up – casual sex is more about getting wrapped up in another way such as between the bed sheets!

Host a “Sex and the City” Martini Party

Welcome to the big city, Manhattan, NYC.

Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha are surely all Martini Girls. Martinis have played a big role in the TV show and movie, “Sex and the City”, since the beginning. The concoction of choice always seems to return to the Cosmopolitan, which is Carrie’s favorite drink.

So you’re thinking of hosting a “Sex and the City” Martini party? Here you’ll find everything you need to pull of an unforgettable evening of female bonding.

Decorations

When decorating for a “Sex and the City” Martini Party, remember to celebrate each of the girls’ individual tastes. There should be plenty of shoes and tiny purses around, and perhaps some “I (heart) NY” stuff as well. Around your party room can be “icons” of each character, like an open laptop and lots of clothes laying around for Carrie, preppy items that only Charlotte would have (think plaid!), sexy and passionate colors for Samantha, and Miranda’s area of the party room would look professional but a bit nerdy.

Food and Drink

When planning food for your “Sex and the City” Martini Party, you may want to order in Chinese food, which is a big comfort food on the show for the girls. Other food ideas include shrimp, sushi, Mexican or any other fare from one of the New York City restaurants the girls may have been bonding in during one of the episodes. Of course, the featured drink will be Cosmopolitans, but Apple-tinis should also be offered.

Dress

It’s all about looking like you’re partying in New York City, with short skirts, tight fitting tops and shoes to die for! Guests may choose to dress as one of the characters on the show, not only the four main characters, but also any of the recurring or significant roles that have popped up during the show.

“Look Charlotte brought party favors!”

Last but not least, the party favors. They can be joke items like tampons. This comes from the episode where Miranda finds out she’s pregnant and Charlotte finds out she’s not. Charlotte brings a rather large box of tampons to brunch and slams them down on the table. Carrie then says “Look, Charlotte brought party favors.” Other ideas include any “I (heart) NY” stuff or Cosmopolitan mix.

To set the mood of your party with cool decorations and party favors, there’s lots and lots of Sex and the City [http://www.my-martini-party.com/] stuff.

Have fun and when the guys show up, you can give them cool nicknames based on their individual quirks.

Are You Having “Good Enough” Sex?

In a previous article, “Are You Having Enough Sex?” I wrote about sex through the lens of quantity.  Today, the lens is quality.  Are you having “Good Enough” Sex and what does that even mean?

I’m borrowing the term “good enough sex” from a concept by the renowned psychoanalyst, Donald Winicott, who wrote about the “good enough mother.”  This referred to the idea that a mother didn’t need to be perfect, only attuned well enough to sufficiently meet the child’s needs so that it could grow up and mature into adulthood.  I would suggest that sex can also can be “good enough” in that it will allow the couple to connect, bond and share themselves with each other sufficiently in order to sustain a mature, adult relationship.

Practically speaking, there is a natural variation in sexual encounters with your partner.  They might not always be satisfying.  Sometimes you might feel like the top of your head has exploded.  Sometimes you might feel disappointed, like “is that all there is?”  This is normal and yet many couples hold themselves to superhuman standards of perfection, that each time must be the best time yet.

I’m recommending that you take some of the pressure off of yourself and your partner.  Sometimes “good enough” sex really IS “good enough.”  Some would argue that this is settling.  I don’t agree.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t also have “Fourth of July Fireworks” sex, I’m only saying that over the course of time in a relationship, we want to have a sexual connection that sustains our bond in a realistic way.

There are many types of sex.  There is “vacation/honeymoon” sex, there is “the kids are at the movies” sex, there is “quickie” sex and “new situation/risky” sex.  There is “married people” sex which begins at 10pm on the dot on Saturday night and consists of five minutes of kissing, ten minutes of foreplay, eight minutes of intercourse, an “I love you” and a snore.  You’ve all experienced different variations and can add many different types of sex as well.

What is important is some consistency and some balance between “quantity” and “quality” in the sexual arena.  The sexual connection between a couple is an incredible opportunity to bond, to share, to become closer in a physical/emotional/spiritual way.  And while the quality of the sexual connection varies from sex act to sex act, it truly is one of the major ingredients in the “glue” that keeps couples connected.  I encourage you all to commit to more consistent sexual contact and to do your best to eliminate your judgments about quality.

That doesn’t mean you don’t want to work to improve the sexual chemistry with your partner.  The research really does indicate that “practice makes perfect.”  So get busy and remember, when your heart is in the right place, it will be “good enough” !

And as always, I welcome your questions, comments and experiences.

Dr. Adam Sheck