Are You Having “Good Enough” Sex?

In a previous article, “Are You Having Enough Sex?” I wrote about sex through the lens of quantity.  Today, the lens is quality.  Are you having “Good Enough” Sex and what does that even mean?

I’m borrowing the term “good enough sex” from a concept by the renowned psychoanalyst, Donald Winicott, who wrote about the “good enough mother.”  This referred to the idea that a mother didn’t need to be perfect, only attuned well enough to sufficiently meet the child’s needs so that it could grow up and mature into adulthood.  I would suggest that sex can also can be “good enough” in that it will allow the couple to connect, bond and share themselves with each other sufficiently in order to sustain a mature, adult relationship.

Practically speaking, there is a natural variation in sexual encounters with your partner.  They might not always be satisfying.  Sometimes you might feel like the top of your head has exploded.  Sometimes you might feel disappointed, like “is that all there is?”  This is normal and yet many couples hold themselves to superhuman standards of perfection, that each time must be the best time yet.

I’m recommending that you take some of the pressure off of yourself and your partner.  Sometimes “good enough” sex really IS “good enough.”  Some would argue that this is settling.  I don’t agree.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t also have “Fourth of July Fireworks” sex, I’m only saying that over the course of time in a relationship, we want to have a sexual connection that sustains our bond in a realistic way.

There are many types of sex.  There is “vacation/honeymoon” sex, there is “the kids are at the movies” sex, there is “quickie” sex and “new situation/risky” sex.  There is “married people” sex which begins at 10pm on the dot on Saturday night and consists of five minutes of kissing, ten minutes of foreplay, eight minutes of intercourse, an “I love you” and a snore.  You’ve all experienced different variations and can add many different types of sex as well.

What is important is some consistency and some balance between “quantity” and “quality” in the sexual arena.  The sexual connection between a couple is an incredible opportunity to bond, to share, to become closer in a physical/emotional/spiritual way.  And while the quality of the sexual connection varies from sex act to sex act, it truly is one of the major ingredients in the “glue” that keeps couples connected.  I encourage you all to commit to more consistent sexual contact and to do your best to eliminate your judgments about quality.

That doesn’t mean you don’t want to work to improve the sexual chemistry with your partner.  The research really does indicate that “practice makes perfect.”  So get busy and remember, when your heart is in the right place, it will be “good enough” !

And as always, I welcome your questions, comments and experiences.

Dr. Adam Sheck

Most Disturbing Movie Sex Scenes Ever

Sex scenes in films are normally romantic, sensual and steamy. Sometimes they’re a little awkward, sometimes funny or amusing, and sometimes a tad disturbing. Then there are the scenes that are just downright disgusting.

In honour of Universal Pictures’ The Change-up, which is out on Blu-ray and DVD from 23rd January, these filthy sex scenes are exactly what we’re celebrating. In the film, Mitch (Ryan Reynolds) has a weekly rendezvous with Tatiana (Mircea Monroe), a 9-months pregnant woman he apparently met at childbirth class. While she’s lovely, the scene is anything but as she charges into the flat demanding wild animal sex.

Feeling quite sorry for Dave (Jason Bateman), who is trapped in Mitch’s body at the time of the encounter, we decided to trawl through the past two decades and relive other films that made us wince, cringe, and cover our eyes.

10. Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle, 2004

Kumar (Kal Penn) shows the world just how intense a love affair with drugs can be as he moans in pleasure during sex with a giant bag of weed. While seemingly every stoner’s dream come true, it’s questionable how this asexual bag of marijuana is able to do much without any actual body parts.

9. American Pie, 1999

In one of the most classic sex-with-an-inanimate-object scenes, we cringe as Jim (Jason Biggs) is caught by his dad having sex with his mother’s freshly made pie. It forever changed the meaning of warm apple pie and made us ponder the similarities between baked goods and sex.

8. Jack Frost, 1996

Jim’s American Pie crush Shannon Elizabeth was previously crushed by a killer snowman in this cult classic, most notable for its hilariously poor acting. While intended to be a frightening rape scene, the result is a sordid sexual encounter between a snowman and a teen girl. Besides the fact that Frosty looks like a giant marshmallow, the grossest part is probably that he is poking her with his carrot nose.

7. Good Luck Chuck, 2007

Having women literally lining up to sleep with you probably sounds like heaven to most men. Chuck (Dane Cook) learns it can be the opposite when you’re doing it with the type of freaks that are more focused on praying to God the Saviour than pleasing you, or have a tattoo that reads George W. above her, um, bush.

6. Step Brothers, 2008

Dale (John C. Reilly) is taken by surprise in the men’s toilet when his step brother’s wife goes stalker crazy and demands sex. After hopping onto his bits and thrusting back and forth in a way that oddly resembles a woodpecker, she tells him to ‘Stay golden, pony boy’ before lifting a leg and taking a wee in the urinal. Dale thinks it’s incredible, which it kind of is if you’re into quick, woodpecker sex and women that wee like men.

5. Team America: World Police, 2004

In this controversial sex scene (nine edits had to be shown to the Motion Picture Association of America before they would approve it), we see puppets go at it from every possible angle their plastic bodies will allow. While their creepy smiles don’t change at all during the romp, their positions do quite a bit – with each one making us wonder more and more what the heck we’re doing watching disturbing doll sex.

4. The Hangover Part II, 2011

While we don’t actually see the sex scene between Stu (Ed Helms) and the Thai transvestite he has emotional sex with while black out drunk, our imagination is free to conjure up some pretty dirty images. What we do get to see is Stu’s priceless reaction as ‘she’ reveals her private parts and he comes to terms with the fact that he made love to a she-he.

3. The Change-Up, 2011

Dave (Jason Bateman), while trapped in Mitch’s (Ryan Reynolds) body, is seduced by a very pregnant and horny woman, who is expecting her weekly sex session. She lunges toward him, her enormous nude belly leading the way, and attacks the repulsed Dave-as-Mitch. Yes, pregnant women are beautiful, but not when you can see their baby’s foot protruding through their enlarged stomach. The next scene isn’t much better, as Mitch-as-Dave is privy to Dave’s naked wife taking a massive poo on the toilet.

2. Bad Santa, 2003

Billy Bob Thornton shows us a side of Santa we never wanted to see when he engages in anal sex with a prostitute in the dressing room at work. The scene pretty much destroys the visions we had as children of jolly old Saint Nick and his sweet Mrs. Claus.

1. Kingpin, 1996

Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson) opts for repulsive sex with his landlady in lieu of paying rent. Post sex, as he is projectile vomiting in the toilet, she questions the relationship between good sex and a good crap: ‘What is it about good sex that always makes me have to crap? Guess it’s all that pumping. Pump and dump.’ How poetic.

Vagina Intercourse Orgasm – How to Make Every Sex Session Better Than Ever

The intercourse orgasm seems to have status above other orgasms. If you don’t believe me, look at almost any movie sex scene in the last 30 years. What you will see is the hero and the heroine having intercourse for what the segues assure us is hours and ending with an intercourse orgasm. While this does also have something to do with Hollywood’s fear of showing oral sex on film, the intercourse orgasm has become important to many couples. There is an added level of intimacy to having an orgasm face-to-face at the same time which other techniques don’t manage.

The Vagina During Intercourse

As orgasms go, the intercourse orgasm is actually one of the harder ones to reliably give a woman. The renowned sex scientists Masters and Johnson wrote that only a third of the women they tested could have an orgasm consistently during intercourse. Basically the reasons why some women could and others couldn’t came mostly down to technique.

Possibly inspired by the Kamasutra or their favorite movie, a lot of guys spend a significant amount of time changing positions during sex. While there is nothing necessarily wrong with this, the only problem is that all positions are not created equal. Each position targets a different erogenous zone in a different way, so when you change positions a lot it can make it difficult for her to get consistent stimulation. This is okay at the beginning of sex, but when she comes to orgasm this will make it difficult for her to finish.

The missionary position, for example, is good for giving a woman a clitoris orgasm. On the other hand, rear-entry positions target the G-spot or Deep Spot. If you really want to give her an orgasm, then your foreplay and intercourse have to target the same erogenous zone. This doesn’t mean that you can’t still have fun experimenting as there are still multiple positions that target the same area. You can stimulate the G-spot with her on top, or lying beneath you or on all fours.

Knowing how to give her a vagina intercourse orgasm is a useful skill to have. Many couples believe that having a simultaneous orgasm is one of the most intimate things that a couple can do together in bed. Also because so few women have these orgasms regularly, it gives you a great opportunity to show how special sex with you is. When she believes that she gets something from you that she can’t get from most men, that is when you make yourself irreplaceable.